


She Always Will

by Cant_We_Just_Dance



Series: She Always Will [1]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Baby Angie, Bittersweet, Broken Family, Dead Character, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Mentions of Death in Childbirth, graveyard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 18:42:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13770207
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cant_We_Just_Dance/pseuds/Cant_We_Just_Dance
Summary: In which Alexander is remorseful, Philip is betrayed, and Angie is cold.





	She Always Will

“Philip…” Alexander whispered, voice barely loud enough to carry through the air as he stood atop the small hill, the shade of a tree cast over his cheek in fragments. He took a step forwards, only for the child before him to flinch as they felt their father coming closer. Instead of moving any more, he bit back a frown, furrowing his brows and steadying his erratic breaths.

The wind -which in truth was more of a gentle breeze- caressed his hair, sending it back in small dances, doing much the same with Philip’s tight curls, gold laced with starlight that would come later, after the sun had set and the sky had fallen. Their eyes, though holding different emotions, were the same shade of redness, the kind that comes after a night of tears and worries. The baby held close to Philip’s chest slept soundly, though it was apparent that she would wake soon, due to her small whines and the way her little arms twitched. Her small frame almost shivered in the cold of the evening, small wisps of hair lit up by the faintly dimming glow of the setting sun. Philip sat on a picnic blanket in front of the piece of stone, the baby’s diaper bag and a sleeping bag next to him. 

“...How’d you know where to find me?” He asked, voice cracking as the words left his mouth, focus still trained on the child he cradled in his arms. Pressing a kiss to her forehead, he rocked her gently, trying his best to soothe her small movements, not knowing that they meant she would awaken soon. “I left my phone at home so you couldn’t track me, and I didn’t leave a note, or tell anyone what I was doing…”

“I come here, too, when I… When I need space to think…” Alexander replied softly, taking the tiniest of steps closer to his son, cautious as to what the results would look like. “You are my son, after all. Great minds think alike.”

“You’re not really my papa,” Philip spat, holding the infant closer to his chest and doing his best to mask the telltale sound of one’s voice when tears are fighting at the edges of their eyes. He sniffled quietly, the chill of the air stinging at his wet eyes. “You’re not Angie’s papa, either. Not after what you did to Mama.”

“Philip,” Alexander began, heartache lacing his voice like the leaves that fell into a ring around the small tree they stood under, having only been planted a few months ago and yet already prepared for winter. Neither of them had prepared for the season, though, due to the fact that all their heavy coats were stored in the same place as Philip and Angie’s mama. “I’ve told you a million times… What happened to mama was a freak accident, one in a million chance. It could have happened when you were born, or it could have never happened. It’s no one’s fault-”

“No one’s fault but yours,” Philip interjected, his body beginning to shake, not nearly warm enough for the October cold that flowed round them like a bucket of ice water as a wake-up call. “You killed Mama with your selfishness, and you don’t even care that she’s gone. But I care, and if Angie could remember, she would care, so we’re staying right here. Right here with Mama. She can hear us- you promised that she could hear us if we talked to the… to the gravestone. So I’ve been telling her everything. Telling her everything you did after she… after she was gone, and how I still love her, and Angie still loves her, even if you don’t.”

“I loved your Mama, Pip,” Alexander said softly, having reached his son’s side from his small steps. He slowly sat down beside his son, careful not to touch him, or run his hand through Angie’s thin baby hair like he had done with Philip so many times through his son’s infancy. “I loved her with all my heart, and now I miss her with the heart I used to love her.”

“Then why are you… Why are you with Him?” Philip pressed, glaring at his father through the corners of his eyes, the venom in his voice being the final thing to wake Angie from her sleep. She shined softly, begging for attention, or perhaps a warmer jacket, but was quickly quieted by the steady rocking of Philip’s arms, and the heat of his chest. “Mama’s only been gone six months, and you… You ask if I’m okay with your boyfriend moving in with us? Did she really mean that little to you?”

“Philip, give me your sister,” Alexander urged quietly, biting his lip as he watched the small child shiver in the cold around her. “I need to give her a bottle, and probably change her, and take her back home where she can be warm because it’s freezing out here and-”

“And you can answer my questions,” Philip cut him off, holding Angie closer in response to his father’s words. “How… How did you move on so quickly? How can you just turn gay the second you don’t have a wife? How can you already be with someone so long that you want them to live with us if Mama’s only been gone for six months? How could you… How could you do that to her?”

With those words, Philip finally cast his gaze up and stared his father dead in the eyes, tears streaming down his freckled cheeks, leaving comet-trails behind them. His arms were shaking, and his hair a mess, the wind earlier having tangled it into matts that would take hours to comb out. Heartbreak, pure and simple, surrounded him, only disturbed by the soft squeaks from the child in his arms, a child that resembled her mother in such a way that even while asleep, they were the same.

“...Your mama and I were going to get a divorce once Angie was three or so…” Alexander whispered, not breaking the eyes contact his son had made. However, his own gaze was filled with pity and a strange sort of despair, and the breath in his chest seemed so much lighter now that he had spoken words that had been clawing at his heart for so long. “I… Pip, you have to understand, in my work, people weren’t… They weren’t very kind to people like me. My friend, John Laurens, was killed because of it in law school. I never told a soul about… about me being gay. Not until I’d been married to your mother for a long time… She was my best friend, my truest confidant. She… She told me that love was a gorgeous thing, and that she was sorry she’d kept it from me for so long. You loved your mama, and I loved her, too. But we loved her in the same way. We loved her because she was family, because she was kind and forgiving, and gave amazing hugs. I couldn’t love her the way I should have and… I’d been in a relationship with Thomas, with her permission, for years.”

“...She was okay with… with you being…?” Philip asked, biting his lip as he continued crying, a singular tear dripping off his chin and onto Angie’s forehead.

“She loved me, and I loved her. She wanted me to be happy,” Alexander explained, reaching over and resting a hand on Philip’s shoulder. “Thomas and your mama knew each other, and they were good friends. Your mama approved of him, and… and I told Thomas so much about you. My brilliant, beautiful son Philip. He can’t wait to meet you and Angie, Philip… He was the first person I told when you and Angie disappeared earlier. Thomas told me to see if you were here, and… he was right. I know that this isn’t easy, Pip, but… I love him. God, I love him so much it almost hurts.”

“...What if I don’t want you to love him?” Philip whispered, voice broken and quiet as he looked down at his baby sister, a million emotions crossing his face so quickly that none were identifiable. “What if I’m not ready for you to be with someone -that someone being a man- and I’m not ready for everything to change so quickly after Mama?”

“Then… Then I would leave him. I’d leave him in a heartbeat; I’d throw away those beautiful years I spent knowing what it was really like to be in love…” Alexander replied, beginning to cry as he realized that what he spoke of was likely to become his reality soon. “I just want you and Angie to grow up happy, Pip. That’s all I want. I would leave Thomas, no matter how badly it hurt, if you didn’t want me to be with him. You… You’re my family, Pip. You matter more to me than any… more than any kind of love.”

“...Is Thomas family, too?” Philip asked, loosening his grip slightly and watching as Angie’s little eyes fluttered open, beautiful dark brown appearing as she giggled slightly at the sight of her papa after a long day out. 

“That doesn’t matter,” Alexander lied. “I love him, but that doesn’t matter either. As long as you’re happy, Pip? I’ll be the happiest man in the world.”

“...I wanna go home, Papa…” Philip murmured, beginning to cry again as he leaned against his father, allowing his baby sister to be taken out of his arms, and allowing himself to be taken into the warm embrace of his father. “I just wanna go home. Don’t care who else is there… Just wanna go home. You can love anyone you want, Papa, I’m sorry that… I’m sorry that I almost made you choose. You can be happy, too. I promise… Can we go home?”

“Of course, Pip,” Alexander said softly, pressing a kiss to his forehead and helping him stand up and collect his things. “Let’s go home.”

“One more thing, Papa,” Philip whispered, holding his father’s free hand tightly, as if he were still a small child, afraid of being left behind at the park. “...Do you think Mama stopped loving me? For… For scaring you by taking Angie and running away, and for almost… almost making you stop having love?”

“Your Mama loves you no matter what, Pip,” Alexander promised, squeezing Philip’s hand reassuringly. “And she always will.”

**Author's Note:**

> Come hang out with me over at @jamisahivemind on tumblr, and comment if you'd like to see more in this verse, or have a suggestion.


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